So it is now official. We are leaving London. We are not only leaving London, we are leaving our old lives behind, reassessing what is important to us as a family and as people of our own. We are looking for a way to make our dreams into realities, to move past our 'we'll live our dreams tomorrow, next week, month, year' mentality.
The great sale of everything but our most precious and essential things has begun. I'm surprised by how liberating and exciting it feels to slowly see your home reducing to an empty shell. So much of my life I have clung so dearly to things to define the person I was, as if by owning certain things it would bring me that step closer to being the person I thought I should be. The projection of someone I thought was 'cool' and 'interesting'. It is only now I am starting to question how many of my 'interests' I am really interested in, how much of it a front for the sort of person I wished I was or felt I should be. What it is I really want.
When I first came to London I had so many expectations of what London would do for me, who it would help me become, the type of life I would lead. A fashion student living off Marlboro lights and diet coke, surrounded by mountains of clothes that I never truly felt comfortable in, in a disastrous relationship with a man (not a bad one just a very unsuitable one) who ran a pub where all the cool kids and boys in bands hung out, drinking and taking drugs to avoid looking at the things that were happening inside of me, terrified of being alone with myself and having to face my demons. It's not surprising that within 6 months of moving to London I had a minor nervous breakdown and my life fell apart.
I have spent the last 8 years of my life reconciling this idea of who I thought I should be and who I was. It took a long time to let go of my old life and my old expectations of myself. Although I had been taking tiny steps towards it, the catalyst for real change came with the birth of my daughter.
Having a child changed my life. I have never in my life felt such consuming, all encompassing love for anything. The kind of love that burns your world to the ground forcing you to rise anew from the ashes. For the first time in my life I loved my body. I was proud of it, proud isn't even the word. Awe, I felt total awe at what my body had done. The ability to create and sustain life, not just any life, the life of this most incredibly loved creature that lay shifting in my arms. I began to look at the female body as beautiful in a way that was beyond outward appearance, as something powerful and magical. For the first time I felt truly able to look at myself with love and respect.
As my daughter grew older I realised that the greatest gift I could give her was to be true to myself and become the person that I was underneath all the crap that had been getting in the way. To be a true role model to her. So I worked, everyday, on the parts of myself I did not want to pass on to her. Don't get me wrong, I am no saint, I make mistakes and I am in no way perfect. But everyday I try, I look into myself and am starting be strong enough to see the broken, angry, hurting parts, the dark and dirty parts and to accept them, to acknowledge that they are an important part of who I am. I still don't know where it is I'm heading or what it is I will do when I get there, but for the first time that's ok, I don't need to, I trust myself and know that if I follow my heart and am true to myself I will no longer look back on my life with regrets. I am growing my wings so I can one day teach my daughter to fly.
So, here we are, facing the greatest upheaval of our life as a family, at the most awkward of times, in a hugely uncertain way, yet I don't feel stressed or angry or even sad. Of all the ways I wanted London to change me I never expected it would change me in the ways I needed. I am not a high flyer in expensive shoes, glossy and preened to perfection. I don't have a circle of important and cool friends, I don't have a well paid job and a fat bank account. I have none of things I came to London desiring. But, I am leaving with the things that I needed.
I never expected to change so much, to be able to look inside and accept myself. I didn't in my wildest dreams believe I could walk away from London with hope and the first glimmers of peace in my heart. To walk away stronger, with a heart and family so full of love that it could burst. To finally be walking the path that in my heart feels right.
