A change of plans

When we first decided to move away from London our dream had been to buy a camper van and pootle around Europe for a year or as long as we could manage on the small income we were getting as rent for our flat. So we sold up most of our belongings, found an interim home to birth our daughter in and started planning. The more we planned the more we realised that driving around Europe would not only take a lot more money than we had but would also put a lot of strain on us at a time when we all needed to rest and realign . After the birth of Little Bit we came to the difficult realisation, the Europe trip was going to be too much for our little family to cope with at the moment and that we would be over stretching ourselves.  Roaming Europe has been not given up on, just postponed. Hopefully, when the girls are older and can get more from it and when we have spent a little more time planning and saving we can make it a reality.

So we are having to make a change of plans. We need somewhere where we can live as cheaply and easily as possible for as long as possible. Somewhere away from the cold and rain. Somewhere we can relax and just be together. Somewhere M can spend time with his children, watching them grow and building the relationship with Bean work constraints had prevented him from building in London. We don't need much in terms of space or luxuries, we are all currently still in a family bed in one room so a one bedroom shack would do. We are daydreaming of days playing and learning together under the sun and nights filled with starlight and the hum of cicadas.


This week I am grateful for...

• Achey muscles
• A moment in the sunshine
• Having my sister around
• A good roast
• Rich, dark chocolate

Reflection

As we tip-toe closer to the end of our time here we need to start making choices about what our future holds for us. Making plans has alway been a habit of mine, the plans are incredibly fluid and prone to change but in my little notebook there will always be an extensive plan outlining our goals and thoughts for the next few years. These plans were usually quite ambitious but always a little way in the future, but now, after our somewhat sudden upheaval, everything has been brought to the present, without our things we no longer have the ties that we were hiding behind, the reasons not to do the adventurous things, the exciting things we dreamt of. 

But, I realise now how torn I am, how much I miss the comfort of our day to day existence, the friends, the activities, the joy of a warm house. I know when our time here has come to an end how heavy my heart will be, how much being close to my family has meant to me, the opportunity for my family to get to know Bean and Little Bit a bit better, the chance to reconnect with old friends. I know tomorrow is full of adventure and excitement, the golden suns and splashing waves that my heart is yearning for on these blustery grey days but no blue sky or warm breeze will take away our need for those we love, for our friends and our families. 

We want so much to learn and explore but are  coming to realise that we will also still need roots, a home in-between wanderings, and that roots need to be planted somewhere, but the question is where? How can we marry our conflicting wants and needs? So we are trying to answer these questions and paint a vision of our future that makes our hearts sing. I am hoping soon that we will be able to share it with you. For now we will sit in the present, drinking in the things that make this moment special before our world changes again.

This week I am grateful for...

• Nights where we are all in-sync
• Ice cream and catch ups
• Good friends
• Sharing a weathered smile
• Moments alone with Bean
• Smooth skin and button noses
• Knowing that even on bad days the love is still there
• Moments of laughter on days filled with tears
• A rare blue sky

Finding new priorities

We have finally taken some time to sit down together and discuss what direction we are heading in together. In some ways it was a hard conversation, to admit that our original plans were perhaps a little to ambitious and that I am, in fact, not super woman. We came to a wonderful realisation that for us the only thing that truly matters is that we can be together and to enjoy our time together in as stress free and relaxed way as possible. So for now our plans have changed (about 3 times so far this week) but we're getting a clearer vision about what it is that we want, not just for this year but for our families future, we now can start to see what our long term goals are.

This week I am grateful for...

• Bean starting to feel better
• Having M around
• Snuggly evenings in front of the fire
• Soft, snuffly sleepy breathes
• The freedom to choose
• Quality time with my sister
• Friends in far away places
• A good nights sleep

A lesson in letting go

I have never been the calmest or easiest of people, the storms that once raged inside me have subsided and no longer control me but I am still not what you would call laid back. At the beginning of the year I made an intention to let go of expectations and this week has been an exercise in testing that. Our new neighbours have been doing some 'building work, nothing much' (ahem) which constitutes pneumatic drilling for six hours a day for a week so far, although it is now looking like it will be at least a few extra days if not a week. So we have been out of the house by 9.30 every morning looking for a place to roam, not exactly the relaxing 40 days of bedding in I had fantasised about. Luckily I have happy (placenta) pills to take the edge off but I am using this as a catalyst to work on my ability to let go of expectations and face the world with a calm smile. Something I am feeling more and more able to do. I think the more I look on our lives with eyes of gratitude the easier it becomes to look past the parts that are less than perfect and see how very much we have to be thankful for. So we will be using this extra push to get us out of the house and interacting more with the world around us, to explore, connect and adventure.

This week I am grateful for...

• Having my parents to retreat to
• Meditation
• Restarting my yoga practice
• Sleeping at the weekends 
• Crisp winter blue skies
• One of my all time best roasts
• Kisses and cuddles
• Raw chocolate
• Surprise packages from friends

A new start

This week has been a life changing one. We now find ourselves the parents of two perfect little girls and all the joys and challenges that brings.  We have found ourselves trying to adjust to a new balance within the family, not just Bean adjusting to having a sibling, but for M and I learning to readjust our roles. I had had an idea that I would rest and recuperate for a long period of time after the birth but I had no idea how much I would struggle letting go, having been so used to keeping on top of everything, how much of a spare part taking a back seat would make me feel. So we are taking it slowly, finding a new rhythm and facing the challenges of everyday as it comes. It is not always easy but we know that together as a family we can work through anything and are just eternally grateful for the opportunity to have the time to do so.

This week I am grateful for...

• Having the time to find ourselves as a family
• My breath being taken away by how supportive my family have been
• Placenta (my days without it were a hormonal mess)
• Hot cocoa after walks in the rain
• Bean's shrieks of laughter echoing around us
• Placenta (my days without it were a hormonal mess)
• Hot cocoa after walks in the rain
• The smell of Little Bit's soft, smooshie face
• Blissful snuggles

A look back on the year past

We have so very much to be grateful for looking back over the past year. We have met many new and wonderful people, strengthened bonds with the incredible people we already have in our lives and had exotic adventures. So much has changed and 2013 looks to have been the gateway to many new and exciting adventures in the coming year.

I am thankful for 2013...

A truly beautiful family escape to the shores of Sri Lanka that opened our eyes to the possibilities and dreams we held close
Discovering my love of turtles
Learning to forgive
Watching old friends find new joy
Building heartfelt and true friendships
The safe arrival of our tiny treasure Little Bit
Daring to dream bigger
Realising how loved and treasured we are
Finding out that long held assumptions are wrong
Long, laughter filled family days
Early morning kisses and cuddles
Beautiful new places ready to be explored
Endless possibilties

Next year is set to be an exciting and transitional year. I am setting intentions to make it beautiful and magical in every way that I can

In 2014 I will...

Treasure the people in our lives for who they truly are
Let go of expectations
Dare to live my dreams
Be true to myself
Try to find the good in every situation and person
Heal old wounds
Be thankful for how truly blessed we are
Not waste a drop

What about this last year has made you grateful? Have you set any intentions for the coming year?

x

Drawing to a close

The past couple of weeks have been chaos, tears, tantrums, goodbyes and good lucks. But now we are almost done. Bean and I are holed up in the countryside whilst M finishes up his last week of work and packs up the stragglers we left behind at the weekend. I have never in my life felt so blessed to have such a wonderful network of friends around me and am already missing them so very much, but to move forward as a family and to start making our plans and dreams into realities we have had to make some incredibly difficult decisions to say goodbye to our very comfortable way of life as well as good friends and family, but now we are taking the first tentative steps towards a whole new way of life. The reality that we are very close to having a brand new family member joining us has just started to hit us, I think it may now be time to start sorting out supplies and birth plans. This is one of the most exciting and terrifying weeks of our lives, it's as if we are standing on the precipice of a great chasm getting ready to jump. It may not be quite that quick but the forward momentum has started and soon we will be able to share our wider and greater plans with the world. Exciting times.

I am grateful for

Being amazed by just how supportive my family have been in a time of need

Knowing that although we are moving away from people it is in no way goodbye

The opportunity to realise a family dream

Being together 

Realising what is really important to us

The people around us

Possibilities and dreams

I wait with baited breath to see what the future holds for us.

x

A hectic week

This week just hasn't stopped. We have had so much to do and sort and prepare for. We decided to do a very last minute open house to try to off load a whole load more stuff. It's crazy how much stuff we have amassed over the last 8 years. More stuff than we could ever possibly need. All day today people have come and gone, we have sold many things but have twice as much left to sell. Next week will be another week of endless sifting, photographing, collections, drop offs, packing. Seeing all our stuff in this way, as a burden to sell, has made me so much more aware of our consumption. How much we have purchased, yet in reality how little we truly need. A few things that we really love and would want to find space for when we settle down again have slipped through but mostly the things have so little true meaning to us. The only things I am truly sad about leaving behind are the wonderful people I have been lucky enough to have in my life here. We have had some wonderful opportunities to spent some days meandering with these wonderful people in the autumn sunshine. I just hope we can find the time to spend as much time with them as possible before we leave. 

This week I am grateful for

Crisp, sunny autumn days

Stumbling upon a raw honey stall after weeks of searching

Bean and friend cuddles
Busy days selling
A very long lie in
Amazingly wonderful friends who I will miss all the way down to my bones
Friends that you can talk for hours to and feel as if 10 minutes has passed

My only hope for next week is that we will find the time to see our friends on top of all the selling and packing. 

x

A lost week

This week has been a strange one, it seems to have slipped through my fingers with barely a passing glance.  I feel as though I have got nothing done and we still have so much more to be done before we move in 18 days. The house is gradually emptying but I think we need to up the pace somewhat, we have become a little complacent and are rapidly running out of time to get things done. I have taken very few photos this week and most were of very poor quality at  a bowling alley but I will keep plugging away and with time will get there, so please excuse the lack of images.

This week I am grateful for

Our first family fireworks display

Truffles and Mysore sambar

Finding a cheap laptop

Friendly midwives in times of need

Family visits
Greetings from old friends
The number of people willing to buy our possessions

Over the next week we need to really concentrate on getting things packed and sold so I am really hoping I can balance that with spending time with the people we will miss with all our hearts. I will avoid having anymore expectations of ourselves than that. Wish us luck!

Quiet reflection

Most of my life I have struggled with gratitude. I have been an incredibly demanding person and lost many people from my life as they found they struggled with my constant demands for time, attention, love and things as I struggled to find the thing that would fill the gaping void felt in my heart and soul. Over time I began to realise that this approach was doing nothing and that what I was looking for wasn't going to be found by looking outside of myself.

I have always been drawn to spirituality. During my early years in London I would regularly pass the North London Buddhist Centre. My pace would slow as I'd try to peak in through the windows, hoping to catch a glimpse of what was going on inside. Each time urging myself to be brave enough to step inside and figure out what it was that made my heart reach out every time I walked past. Sadly I never did. It took me 5 years and having a baby before I felt brave enough internally to face the walk inside a Buddhist centre without someone to hold my hand.

I am not a Buddhist, I do not meditate as often as I should, I can not remember all the precepts, or recite chants. I can however say that the philosophies that I was exposed to have changed my outlook on life. The ones that have changed me most profoundly are a new found ability for empathy and gratitude. I was until quite recently keeping a gratitude journal, but with the upheaval and stress at the moment I have been struggling to keep on top of everything so I have decided to try to keep a weekly one instead, to sit down and think about how, even in the most trying of times, I still have so very much to be grateful for. 

So, this is my new Sunday ritual, a quiet reflection of my life. What makes it beautiful and special and how I can work to make it better for myself and the people around me.

This week I am grateful for...

 Dancing around the living room with Bean
Staying up too late setting the world to right with a friend over tea and brownies
Bean playing happily alone

Visits to friends houses

Warm tea in the blustery woods

Friends who bring spare trousers for when little people have accidents

Looking into M's eyes and knowing that we're a team

Getting up to find that dinner and breakfast have been prepared for you
Birthing affirmations and backstrokes
Sleeping through the night in her own bed
Hot cocoa in front of a roaring fire

Although so many things this week have warmed my heart and made me smile, I know that there are so many things I still need to work on to make our lives better. Next week I will try to be kinder to those around me, to think of their needs as much as I think of my own. To focus on the things we get done and not let them overwhelm me, stop, breath and smile before I react.

Do you have any weekly rituals? How do you remain thankful for all the wonderful things in your lives? 

x