The land of smiles

{images via}

In precisely one week time we will be on an aeroplane flying off into the night on our first big family adventure...

In seven days we leave for Thailand and do not plan on returning for 6 months. Our bags are pretty much packed, our visas and passports ready to go and now we are just saying farewell to our friends and family. 

Every now and then it hits me and my stomach does a little flip and my heart swells. We are well and truly treading the path we have always been too timid to follow. 

Taking care

{image via}

With all that has been going on recently, taking care of myself seems to have fallen by the wayside again. Little by little the feelings of being overwhelmed and tired have been drawing out the little demons I had worked so hard to calm. It started with a little snap here, an unkind response there and has resulted in a full scale shouting and screaming, toddler style meltdown. Following that came the usual sequence of weeping, guilt, self loathing, guilt again, feeling like a terrible mother and a horrid role model. I could let those feelings consume me but I am trying my very hardest not to. I know that if I don't make a change now these feeling will just swing back and forth between the anger and resentment and the guilt and self loathing. I need to take care of myself so I can take care of the people around me. I need to love myself so I can love the people around me.

As a full time stay at home mummy my workload is not going to change. My daughters need my attention, time, love, understanding, empathy and patience. As much as it fills my dreams, stepping out of our life for full yoga practices and long meditations is not something that can happen at this stage in our lives, but finding a way to fit 'me time' into our days is essential.

Looking back I can see that I have been falling into a dark hole, I find that I have fallen into the habit of using my downtime to stare at screen. Removing myself from my reality without really winding down or giving my mind the rest time that it needs. Withdrawing from difficult situations by trawling Facebook instead of throwing myself wholeheartedly into my day. Not leaving the house or socialising with friends. Wearing the same clothes for days on end and pumping my body full of sugar and toxins. Planning for the future rather than living in the present. Falling back into the same bad habits.

Very much like a child, I thrive when I have a rhythm to my days, knowing where I am headed, having marker points throughout my day makes me feel anchored and safe. Having a familiar rhythm to my weeks, places to go, things to look forward to, people to meet. At the moment we are between homes, living out of bags and without any space to call our own. Finding the time needs to be separate to all of these things. Built into the fabric of the day, regardless of time or location. A habit.

Ways of taking care:

Get up earlier: This one may seem counter productive, but if in the morning there are an extra pair of hands or it is before others are awake those precious moments to breath and collect yourself before the start of the day are priceless.

Meditate: In this world our minds are constantly bombarded with information, constantly being stimulated. Meditation is an off switch for this. Just 10 minutes a day.

Yoga: For me, yoga is the 'one'. It eases the pain in my heart, head and body. There are many different styles, all wonderful in their own right; it is definitely worth experimenting and finding the one that is right for you.

Creativity: Writing, drawing, knitting, creating soothes the soul. I've started to notice that the less time I spend creating the more pent up, the more frustrated I feel.

Gratitude: It's so easy to stop seeing everything we have when we are feeling low, which is why is is so important to stop and take stock of all the things that we have. Using a journal at the end of the day to jot a few things about the day that have made you feel grateful, the small things as well as the big can help you look back, even on a bad day, in a positive way.

Feed yourself: When I feel down I have always been a real comfort eater. The worse I feel the more crap I put into my body, which always makes me feel hideous. Fill your body with food that is full of goodness, that will help give you strength to face the challenges of the day and will make you feel good about your body.

You are worth it: Wash yourself, brush your hair, put on clean clothes. Remind yourself you are worth it. You am worth taking care of, worth spending the time on.

How do you fit time for yourselves into your day? How do you strengthen yourselves to become the anchor for your children? I would love to hear your thoughts and suggestions on this.

x

Busy bees

Things here have been a little bit manic. M has gone back to work and looking after little and littlest has been a new experience for me. My days have been filled with moments of pure love, and joy and moments of utter pain and frustration. We are all working hard to find the best way to make it work and some days are more challenging than others but I am getting a new insight into how to keep my babies happy in the midst of change and uncertainty. We have also taken a couple of trips to see our loved ones who live further away. A week full of birthday parties and smiles in London and a weekend by the sea meeting our friends' scrumptious new baby boy. I feel incredibly blessed to have such wonderful people in my life although my heart often aches as so many of them are so far away.

This week we have been packing up the last of our bits and bobs ready to be on the move again. Our time here has been lovely and has helped us start weaving our ideas together into a full picture of our family's future. This Friday we move to my parents for a week and then on to M's parents for the following week and then...

Expending all my energy keeping my little ones happy has meant that writing has somewhat fallen by the wayside. I have a computer full of half started blog posts, a journal full of ideas and a camera left at the bottom of my bag. We have made some big plans for the coming months, fulfilling some dreams and have a lot to look forward to. Keep watching this space...

3

I was not the only one to celebrate a recent birthday. At the beginning of February Bean turned three.

We spent a lovely day with our family at @Bristol where you ran around playing with your Nanny and Baba. In a continuing gallant effort to avoid sugar we made you these yummy raw chocolate brownies which you proceeded to eat 'like a cat'.

Iris, my darling, everyday you fill my heart with joy. When I think about you my stomach does somersaults and my eyes fill with tears.

You make me laugh out loud, sometimes until my tummy aches.

When you get excited you gesticulate like crazy and scrunch your little face up trying to find the words as they tumble out at an astonishing rate

You give 'your guys' who follow you everywhere different voices and it takes us an extra half an hour to dry them all after the bath. There is barely room for you anymore.

You are still getting to grips with the nuances of language, replying when asked if coming with "Yes, I'm are". Experimenting with rhyming has resulted in you calling us some pretty interesting names, some almost a little risky (your Daddy almost collapsed laughing after you told him "don't touch me saag").

You have an phenomenal amount of energy. I have still never come across another with your ability to climb and jump. 

Despite the pain of my division of attention you never take it out on your baby sister. You cuddle and kiss her, telling her how much you love her, working hard to be her protecter. You are such a wonderful big sister.

Your first sentence is still one of your favourites and I'm sure one day we will miss the endless chorus of "read a book, read a book".

You say you don't know how to sing but as you fall asleep at night you sing songs that I didn't even know you knew

You are still learning how to share but when you do you have the most generous of hearts, happily sharing out food and toys to make sure everyone has an even share.

You are a wonder to behold and everyday I am thankful that I get to be part of your life. I can't wait to watch the woman you grow into.

But, no matter how big you get you will always be my baby.

I love you always and forever.

x

A change of plans

When we first decided to move away from London our dream had been to buy a camper van and pootle around Europe for a year or as long as we could manage on the small income we were getting as rent for our flat. So we sold up most of our belongings, found an interim home to birth our daughter in and started planning. The more we planned the more we realised that driving around Europe would not only take a lot more money than we had but would also put a lot of strain on us at a time when we all needed to rest and realign . After the birth of Little Bit we came to the difficult realisation, the Europe trip was going to be too much for our little family to cope with at the moment and that we would be over stretching ourselves.  Roaming Europe has been not given up on, just postponed. Hopefully, when the girls are older and can get more from it and when we have spent a little more time planning and saving we can make it a reality.

So we are having to make a change of plans. We need somewhere where we can live as cheaply and easily as possible for as long as possible. Somewhere away from the cold and rain. Somewhere we can relax and just be together. Somewhere M can spend time with his children, watching them grow and building the relationship with Bean work constraints had prevented him from building in London. We don't need much in terms of space or luxuries, we are all currently still in a family bed in one room so a one bedroom shack would do. We are daydreaming of days playing and learning together under the sun and nights filled with starlight and the hum of cicadas.


This week I am grateful for...

• Achey muscles
• A moment in the sunshine
• Having my sister around
• A good roast
• Rich, dark chocolate

30

 

{Photos from the best birthday as of yet}

Let's be honest. It was never going to rival dancing with a village of children under the warm Sri Lankan sun but last week I said goodbye to my 20's. 

With a toddler and a newborn to concentrate on I struggled to find much enthusiasm in regards to parties and presents, I have everything I need apart from rest! I was very lucky to get a massage and reflexology, which was exactly what my tired and achey body needed after all the hours child rearing and baring. 

Being here in the countryside has meant that for a while I have all of my family around me. It has been a very long time since we have all been together and I wish it could go on forever. We went for lunch with them and my oldest friend (we will be celebrating 25 years in 2015!). So as the rain poured down outside we talked and laughed with some good food and a bottle of wine. 

I am looking forward to my next decade. So far ageing has been a pretty wonderful thing. I have said goodbye to so many of the anxieties and issues that haunted both my twenties and my teens. I am so much more aware of who I am and what I want and am more determined than ever to find ways to achieve my dreams. So, I have made a list of my ambitions for the next decade...

Travel: This is my number one ambition. For as long as I can remember I have had wanderlust but have had no one to walk the earth with me but was too scared to do it alone. I now have a wonderful family who are ready and willing to explore this world together.

Yoga: Yoga has been a big part of my life for the last two years and has played a big part in me finding some inner peace and accepting myself physically. I would love to be able to say that I have practised yoga everyday since my 30th birthday, even if it is just a couple of sun salutations and the closing sequence, to have made it a consistent part of my life and daily routine. I am also hoping to do my yoga teacher training, one day I would love to teach, but for now just to do it for myself.

Family and friends: The recent upheaval has really brought home how important being close to the people I care about is. Although, geographically, I will never be able to be close to all the people I love as they are scattered throughout this country and others, I can work harder to keep in contact through letters, calls, Skype and emails. There are friendships that I regret not working harder to maintain, I do not want to look back on my life with that regret ever again.

Impact: I would like to find someway of making a positive impact on the wider world. There are so many issues I feel very strongly about and feel ashamed that I only contribute to the signing of internet petitions. We have started by sponsoring two young girls in our daughters names, to celebrate the blessing of our daughters by helping someone else's daughters thrive. I hope to get more involved in local issues and to volunteer as the girls get older and I am able to be away from home for longer periods. 

I hope, with work, I can make all of these ambitions a reality. 

Reflection

As we tip-toe closer to the end of our time here we need to start making choices about what our future holds for us. Making plans has alway been a habit of mine, the plans are incredibly fluid and prone to change but in my little notebook there will always be an extensive plan outlining our goals and thoughts for the next few years. These plans were usually quite ambitious but always a little way in the future, but now, after our somewhat sudden upheaval, everything has been brought to the present, without our things we no longer have the ties that we were hiding behind, the reasons not to do the adventurous things, the exciting things we dreamt of. 

But, I realise now how torn I am, how much I miss the comfort of our day to day existence, the friends, the activities, the joy of a warm house. I know when our time here has come to an end how heavy my heart will be, how much being close to my family has meant to me, the opportunity for my family to get to know Bean and Little Bit a bit better, the chance to reconnect with old friends. I know tomorrow is full of adventure and excitement, the golden suns and splashing waves that my heart is yearning for on these blustery grey days but no blue sky or warm breeze will take away our need for those we love, for our friends and our families. 

We want so much to learn and explore but are  coming to realise that we will also still need roots, a home in-between wanderings, and that roots need to be planted somewhere, but the question is where? How can we marry our conflicting wants and needs? So we are trying to answer these questions and paint a vision of our future that makes our hearts sing. I am hoping soon that we will be able to share it with you. For now we will sit in the present, drinking in the things that make this moment special before our world changes again.

This week I am grateful for...

• Nights where we are all in-sync
• Ice cream and catch ups
• Good friends
• Sharing a weathered smile
• Moments alone with Bean
• Smooth skin and button noses
• Knowing that even on bad days the love is still there
• Moments of laughter on days filled with tears
• A rare blue sky

Finding new priorities

We have finally taken some time to sit down together and discuss what direction we are heading in together. In some ways it was a hard conversation, to admit that our original plans were perhaps a little to ambitious and that I am, in fact, not super woman. We came to a wonderful realisation that for us the only thing that truly matters is that we can be together and to enjoy our time together in as stress free and relaxed way as possible. So for now our plans have changed (about 3 times so far this week) but we're getting a clearer vision about what it is that we want, not just for this year but for our families future, we now can start to see what our long term goals are.

This week I am grateful for...

• Bean starting to feel better
• Having M around
• Snuggly evenings in front of the fire
• Soft, snuffly sleepy breathes
• The freedom to choose
• Quality time with my sister
• Friends in far away places
• A good nights sleep

How to make: Placenta encapsulation

Sliced placenta

Steamed placenta

Dried placenta

Finely ground placenta

After a particularly stressful week I have never been so thankful for the hormonal support my placenta has been giving me. There was a small lapse in timing in-between finishing my course of smoothies and starting taking my placenta pills and, gosh, did I feel it. I was a hormonal mess for about a day and a half, but lo and behold as soon as I started taking my placenta pills I have been feeling calmer and centred again.

We made two different types of placenta pill, raw and steamed. The raw ones have more of a kick to them but the steamed ones keep better.

Instructions

(By M)

Raw:

• Wash the placenta, removing any bloodclots along with the membrane (a bit like removing the skin from a chicken breast)
• Finely slice the placenta – the finer the slices the faster it will dehydrate.
• Place on a foil-lined baking tray and pop in the oven on its lowest heat until fully dried (50C / 110F. You may have to prop the oven door open if it gets too hot – you're drying it, not cooking it). That means no pink bits, the pieces of placenta should snap when folded, not tear! This can take up to 8 hours, turn halfway through.
• Remove from the foil (some might take some persuading) and put in your pestle and mortar. You could probably use a coffee grinder, but traditional Chinese medicine says this creates too much energy (?) apparently. Besides, grinding it by hand is much more satisfying.

Steamed:

• See stage 1 of 'Raw' above.
• Place the placenta in a steamer above a pan of boiling water. Only fill with water to a couple of inches depth as you don't want it boiling over. Steam the placenta with some lemon, ginger and chilli.
• As for 'Raw' above, place in the oven on the lowest possible heat.
• Grind it!

Now to encapsulate your placenta powder… You can buy a specialist encapsulator but I used a folded piece of card to fill the capsules (think refilling a pot of glitter). It's a bit fiddly, but oddly therapeutic.

Yield-wise we got roughly 30 steamed and 40 raw. We did previously remove five thumbsize pieces for smoothies and a walnut sized piece for a tincture so you may well get more, dependant on placenta size of course. Keep refrigerated in a lidded jar and take 1-2 daily.

A lesson in letting go

I have never been the calmest or easiest of people, the storms that once raged inside me have subsided and no longer control me but I am still not what you would call laid back. At the beginning of the year I made an intention to let go of expectations and this week has been an exercise in testing that. Our new neighbours have been doing some 'building work, nothing much' (ahem) which constitutes pneumatic drilling for six hours a day for a week so far, although it is now looking like it will be at least a few extra days if not a week. So we have been out of the house by 9.30 every morning looking for a place to roam, not exactly the relaxing 40 days of bedding in I had fantasised about. Luckily I have happy (placenta) pills to take the edge off but I am using this as a catalyst to work on my ability to let go of expectations and face the world with a calm smile. Something I am feeling more and more able to do. I think the more I look on our lives with eyes of gratitude the easier it becomes to look past the parts that are less than perfect and see how very much we have to be thankful for. So we will be using this extra push to get us out of the house and interacting more with the world around us, to explore, connect and adventure.

This week I am grateful for...

• Having my parents to retreat to
• Meditation
• Restarting my yoga practice
• Sleeping at the weekends 
• Crisp winter blue skies
• One of my all time best roasts
• Kisses and cuddles
• Raw chocolate
• Surprise packages from friends

A new start

This week has been a life changing one. We now find ourselves the parents of two perfect little girls and all the joys and challenges that brings.  We have found ourselves trying to adjust to a new balance within the family, not just Bean adjusting to having a sibling, but for M and I learning to readjust our roles. I had had an idea that I would rest and recuperate for a long period of time after the birth but I had no idea how much I would struggle letting go, having been so used to keeping on top of everything, how much of a spare part taking a back seat would make me feel. So we are taking it slowly, finding a new rhythm and facing the challenges of everyday as it comes. It is not always easy but we know that together as a family we can work through anything and are just eternally grateful for the opportunity to have the time to do so.

This week I am grateful for...

• Having the time to find ourselves as a family
• My breath being taken away by how supportive my family have been
• Placenta (my days without it were a hormonal mess)
• Hot cocoa after walks in the rain
• Bean's shrieks of laughter echoing around us
• Placenta (my days without it were a hormonal mess)
• Hot cocoa after walks in the rain
• The smell of Little Bit's soft, smooshie face
• Blissful snuggles

How to make: Placenta smoothies

In the animal kingdom it is common for mammals to consume their placentas after birth. Placentas are incredibly powerful and are instrumental in healing a post birth body. Some of the reported benefits include:

• Significantly reduced blood loss
• Helping to beat the 'baby blues' when the milk comes in
• Helps the body heal internal wounds
• Increases milk production, with milk 'coming in' a day or two earlier
• The hormones help boost mood and energy

To get the most benefit the placenta is consumed raw (not as yucky as it sounds I promise!) and as soon as after birth as is possible.

We decided to have a course of placenta smoothies (as well as other goodies) to help my body heal quicker after the birth. After cleaning, removing blood clots and membrane we cut and set aside 5 thumb size pieces of placenta and kept them in a sealed jar in the fridge.

Chopped and ready placenta looking a bit like raspberry coulis 

All smoothies (and the placenta) were prepared by my very lovely and helpful husband M (Thank you!!). These are the recipes for the smoothies but are not precise, add more of less of things to taste.

Day 1

Berry Smoothie

1 teaspoon raw honey
3 tablespoons of organic live yogurt
200 ml coconut water
A pinch of true cinnamon (not cassia)
1 teaspoon cold pressed coconut oil
1 Banana
A handful of frozen blueberries
1 thumb size piece of placenta

Day 2

Cacao, Banana and Peanut Butter

1 teaspoon raw cacao powder
3 tablespoons of organic live yogurt
1 tablespoon sugar free peanut butter
1 banana
1 teaspoon cold pressed coconut oil
200 ml coconut water
A pinch of true cinnamon
1 teaspoon raw honey
1 thumb size piece of placenta

Day 3

Green smoothie

A couple of handfuls of kale
A couple of sprigs of mint
1 teaspoon raw honey
1 tablespoon organic live yogurt
200 ml coconut water
1 teaspoon cold pressed coconut oil
1 banana
A handful of frozen blueberries
1 thumb size piece of placenta

Day 4 

Raspberry Ripple Smoothie

A larger handful of frozen raspberries
1/2 teaspoon good quality vanilla essence
4 tablespoons organic live yogurt
1 banana
200ml coconut water
1 teaspoon cold pressed coconut oil
1 thumb size piece of placenta

Day 5

Cacao, Banana and Peanut butter

(Again because it was so delicious!)

See Day 2

Results

Firstly, you cannot taste the placenta! They simply taste like very yummy smoothies yet make an incredible difference to the way I have felt after Arlo's birth. I have felt massively less emotional and stressed; I have been feeling much more able to take things in my stride and as of yet have not weeped since the birth! I have a lot more energy (although still feeling rather sleep deprived) and able to concentrate. The post-partum bleeding has been noticeably less compared to Bean's birth. My milk came in properly on day two without any real emotional excess, just a few instances of me being a wee bit tetchy. As is common with number 2, the after pains have been pretty intense but my body has changed insanely in just a few days, my bump's almost completely gone and my body is beginning to feel strong again.

The number of positive benefits have far outlived my expectations and would do it again in a heartbeat, should we ever decide to do it again.

Did you do anything with your placenta? Have you tried placenta smoothies? What was your experience?

x

A look back on the year past

We have so very much to be grateful for looking back over the past year. We have met many new and wonderful people, strengthened bonds with the incredible people we already have in our lives and had exotic adventures. So much has changed and 2013 looks to have been the gateway to many new and exciting adventures in the coming year.

I am thankful for 2013...

A truly beautiful family escape to the shores of Sri Lanka that opened our eyes to the possibilities and dreams we held close
Discovering my love of turtles
Learning to forgive
Watching old friends find new joy
Building heartfelt and true friendships
The safe arrival of our tiny treasure Little Bit
Daring to dream bigger
Realising how loved and treasured we are
Finding out that long held assumptions are wrong
Long, laughter filled family days
Early morning kisses and cuddles
Beautiful new places ready to be explored
Endless possibilties

Next year is set to be an exciting and transitional year. I am setting intentions to make it beautiful and magical in every way that I can

In 2014 I will...

Treasure the people in our lives for who they truly are
Let go of expectations
Dare to live my dreams
Be true to myself
Try to find the good in every situation and person
Heal old wounds
Be thankful for how truly blessed we are
Not waste a drop

What about this last year has made you grateful? Have you set any intentions for the coming year?

x