Improving photography

Just before Bean was born we bought a new camera, a digital SLR. Both M and I had every intention of learning how to use it; to become capable photographers and take beautiful pictures of our growing family. Somehow time slipped away from us and now here we are near three years later and we are both just as clueless about the art of taking (and editing) beautiful photos.

One of things I have missed about blogging has been the incentive to pick up the camera. To document the little things, the seemingly insignificant things that you realise later are the things that made your day beautiful, the toothy grin, the paint covered fingers, the buds of your childs first home grown sunflower. The little things that really matter. That push to overcome my fear of looking like a bit of a dork with this lovely camera and no idea how to take lovely looking photographs. But like all things, without pushing yourself or risks everything becomes stagnant. That is where my photography lies, in a stagnant, murky pool of I wish. But not for long.

So today I am setting a new intention. I am packing our camera in my bag and there it will stay, to be puled out every time I see something is beautiful or interesting, to catch those little moments of magic. I am sure many photos will be duds, but over time and with practice these will become less and less.

As for most things the pinterest and the internet in general are invaluable tools. I have been scouring different articles and sites and have found that the same few areas pop up...

Lighting - One of the most recurrent tips is lighting, stay away from flash. Natural lighting is your friend, learn how to utilise it, the times of day the light is best, angles, shadows.

Get to know your camera - This one is a little bit more complicated. First off read your manual, know what the different buttons and settings do; how to navigate your camera quickly and with ease. Ditch auto mode auto mode and get to grips with the basics of ISO, shutter speed and exposure. Experiment and see what works best for you.

Inspiration - Look at other peoples photos, what are you drawn to? What is it about the lighting/composition/content that inspires you?

Hmm. Sounds like I have a lot of work to do. Hopefully you will start to see the results on here soon...

Are you a lover of photography? What camera do you use? Do you have any tips and tricks that might help me and others on the way to successful photography?

x

Quiet reflection

Most of my life I have struggled with gratitude. I have been an incredibly demanding person and lost many people from my life as they found they struggled with my constant demands for time, attention, love and things as I struggled to find the thing that would fill the gaping void felt in my heart and soul. Over time I began to realise that this approach was doing nothing and that what I was looking for wasn't going to be found by looking outside of myself.

I have always been drawn to spirituality. During my early years in London I would regularly pass the North London Buddhist Centre. My pace would slow as I'd try to peak in through the windows, hoping to catch a glimpse of what was going on inside. Each time urging myself to be brave enough to step inside and figure out what it was that made my heart reach out every time I walked past. Sadly I never did. It took me 5 years and having a baby before I felt brave enough internally to face the walk inside a Buddhist centre without someone to hold my hand.

I am not a Buddhist, I do not meditate as often as I should, I can not remember all the precepts, or recite chants. I can however say that the philosophies that I was exposed to have changed my outlook on life. The ones that have changed me most profoundly are a new found ability for empathy and gratitude. I was until quite recently keeping a gratitude journal, but with the upheaval and stress at the moment I have been struggling to keep on top of everything so I have decided to try to keep a weekly one instead, to sit down and think about how, even in the most trying of times, I still have so very much to be grateful for. 

So, this is my new Sunday ritual, a quiet reflection of my life. What makes it beautiful and special and how I can work to make it better for myself and the people around me.

This week I am grateful for...

 Dancing around the living room with Bean
Staying up too late setting the world to right with a friend over tea and brownies
Bean playing happily alone

Visits to friends houses

Warm tea in the blustery woods

Friends who bring spare trousers for when little people have accidents

Looking into M's eyes and knowing that we're a team

Getting up to find that dinner and breakfast have been prepared for you
Birthing affirmations and backstrokes
Sleeping through the night in her own bed
Hot cocoa in front of a roaring fire

Although so many things this week have warmed my heart and made me smile, I know that there are so many things I still need to work on to make our lives better. Next week I will try to be kinder to those around me, to think of their needs as much as I think of my own. To focus on the things we get done and not let them overwhelm me, stop, breath and smile before I react.

Do you have any weekly rituals? How do you remain thankful for all the wonderful things in your lives? 

x

Who would have thought.

 Image via I am project

So it is now official. We are leaving London. We are not only leaving London, we are leaving our old lives behind, reassessing what is important to us as a family and as people of our own. We are looking for a way to make our dreams into realities, to move past our 'we'll live our dreams tomorrow, next week, month, year' mentality.

The great sale of everything but our most precious and essential things has begun. I'm surprised by how liberating and exciting it feels to slowly see your home reducing to an empty shell. So much of my life I have clung so dearly to things to define the person I was, as if by owning certain things it would bring me that step closer to being the person I thought I should be. The projection of someone I thought was 'cool' and 'interesting'. It is only now I am starting to question how many of my 'interests' I am really interested in, how much of it a front for the sort of person I wished I was or felt I should be. What it is I really want.

When I first came to London I had so many expectations of what London would do for me, who it would help me become, the type of life I would lead. A fashion student living off Marlboro lights and diet coke, surrounded by mountains of clothes that I never truly felt comfortable in, in a disastrous relationship with a man (not a bad one just a very unsuitable one) who ran a pub where all the cool kids and boys in bands hung out, drinking and taking drugs to avoid looking at the things that were happening inside of me, terrified of being alone with myself and having to face my demons. It's not surprising that within 6 months of moving to London I had a minor nervous breakdown and my life fell apart.

I have spent the last 8 years of my life reconciling this idea of who I thought I should be and who I was. It took a long time to let go of my old life and my old expectations of myself. Although I had been taking tiny steps towards it, the catalyst for real change came with the birth of my daughter.

Having a child changed my life. I have never in my life felt such consuming, all encompassing love for anything. The kind of love that burns your world to the ground forcing you to rise anew from the ashes. For the first time in my life I loved my body. I was proud of it, proud isn't even the word. Awe, I felt total awe at what my body had done. The ability to create and sustain life, not just any life, the life of this most incredibly loved creature that lay shifting in my arms. I began to look at the female body as beautiful in a way that was beyond outward appearance, as something powerful and magical. For the first time I felt truly able to look at myself with love and respect.

As my daughter grew older I realised that the greatest gift I could give her was to be true to myself and become the person that I was underneath all the crap that had been getting in the way. To be a true role model to her.  So I worked, everyday, on the parts of myself I did not want to pass on to her. Don't get me wrong, I am no saint, I make mistakes and I am in no way perfect. But everyday I try, I look into myself and am starting be strong enough to see the broken, angry, hurting parts, the dark and dirty parts and to accept them, to acknowledge that they are an important part of who I am. I still don't know where it is I'm heading or what it is I will do when I get there, but for the first time that's ok, I don't need to, I trust myself and know that if I follow my heart and am true to myself I will no longer look back on my life with regrets. I am growing my wings so I can one day teach my daughter to fly.

So, here we are, facing the greatest upheaval of our life as a family, at the most awkward of times, in a hugely uncertain way, yet I don't feel stressed or angry or even sad. Of all the ways I wanted London to change me I never expected it would change me in the ways I needed. I am not a high flyer in expensive shoes, glossy and preened to perfection. I don't have a circle of important and cool friends, I don't have a well paid job and a fat bank account. I have none of things I came to London desiring. But, I am leaving with the things that I needed.

I never expected to change so much, to be able to look inside and accept myself. I didn't in my wildest dreams believe I could walk away from London with hope and the first glimmers of peace in my heart. To walk away stronger, with a heart and family so full of love that it could burst. To finally be walking the path that in my heart feels right.

Sometime when things fall apart...

They are really just falling into place.

Sometimes the universe intervenes and helps us make the decisions that we have been too scared, too comfortable, too complacent to make. The kind of decisions that turn your world upside down and make you have to rethink all of your plans and goals but that open up a world of new possibilities.

And so, at 7 months pregnant I now find myself planning some the biggest and most risky changes I have ever made, to take myself and my family in a new direction, looking for a new life, a life of freedom and possibilities.

Although my hands are shaking with fear and my head is spinning I find that my heart is open and soaring in way that had been lost to it for so long. The possibilities are endless and life is beautiful. 

Christmas Fail

Unfortunately our festive season has not been a good one, hence my very long sabbatical. I will be returning very soon, but for now I am busy supporting our little family through some very hard times. Thank you for all the wonderful comments and kindness. I promise I will come and say hi to you all soon.

x

Christmas is here!/ Craft it forward

Christmas is rapidly approaching and I am a million miles behind where I should be (I blame the unseasonal weather tricking us into thinking it was still summer) I still have to...

• Buy, write and send Christmas cards
• Make about 20 presents
• Finish making decorations
• Decorate the house 
• Throw two Christmas parties
• Bake and brew for said parties
• Make special surprises (see below)

I think next year I need to be more organised... Aaaargh! I don't know how it snuck up so quickly. I feel like my head is going to explode when I think about all of the things I have to do. Help.

Oh and next year we're getting a 10 foot Christmas tree, the seven footer looks tiny against those high ceilings. 

This little package of loveliness from Kerry arrived through my door today...

(gorgeous, isn't it?)

(Bean and Mordecai definitely liked it)

Meaning it is time to play Craft it Forward! The rules are simple the first five people to comment on this post will be sent a small package of loveliness all of their own, they will then blog about said lovely package offering their readers the opportunity to Craft it Forward with them, and so on and so forth, geddit?

Now I'm still a budding crafter, I was once an avid child crafter but it got lost somewhere at a hedonistic party in my late teens, I'm only just rediscovering it. So my skills may be a bit rusty but I do whip up a mean idea so I promise you something very special (and a wee bit Christmassy) will be winging itself your way if you choose to join me!

Let the crafting commence!

x

Bean

My little bean has just turned 10 months. I keep meaning to write about her, about us, about our adventures, about our lazy days. But I keep not doing it. So much has happened, already slipped past us and I am starting to feel afraid that I am losing it all. My brain keeps losing the amazing moments we have had, they are being devoured by new ones.

I struggle to put into words the feelings, the experiences, the moments. I don't think I will ever be eloquent enough. But I have to start before it is lost forever.

So ala Kellie I will write for my love every month. This blog was supposed to be for her. I think it is time I got back to my roots...

Where to start?

You have never been a good sleeper, my beautiful bundle of energy. You don't switch off. You crawl about in your sleep, last night you kept head butting me as you lifted off and then flumped back to rest. The night before I found you sat on the floor in front of me smiling with your eyes still closed. Sometimes I have to sleep with my leg and arms wrapped round you to stop you crawling into the wall and waking up crying. Through all the angst and sleeplessness when I feel you relax into my arms all is instantly forgiven.

We took our first walk on the street yesterday. Your stumbling walk like a drunken goose step, trying to chase the people walking past. I wait, quietly looking forward to the first pair of shoes and the first time I let go of your hand in the park. We have so much ahead of us and it makes my head spin with excitement.

We tied to the Christmas tree to the wall. As soon as you saw it you got right in and tried to take it for a walk with you. Your little hands all sticky and smelling of Christmas. We had to clean sap off of your bottom.

I keep trying to take pictures of you. It was so easy when you were stationary. Now all of my photos are a blur of you getting closer and closer until your face is just a looming smudge reaching for the lens. But I promise I will keep trying.

There is too much to write. I don't know where to start or stop so I will leave it for now. Perhaps every month won't be enough. Maybe every fortnight or every week or everyday. We'll see.

x