Inside and Out

I try to do too much, be too much. I always have and it has always been my downfall. I spend so much of my time comparing myself to others, what they have, what they do, what they think, that I sometimes forget to figure out what I want to do, what I have, what I think.

I need to concentrate on me for a minute or two. 

For the first time in my life I feel as though I have a strong sense of self: I am a mummy. 

I know what I believe, what I want and what I have when it comes to being a mummy. At this moment in my life it is all consuming. There is nothing that can compare. But what about in a few years time, when Bean and whoever follows her is bigger. 

I will still be a mummy. Just from slightly further away, just far enough to leave room to breath and grow. 

But

I also need to learn to be me. 

As someone edging daily closer to her thirties, how does one learn how to be themselves? 

I need to break it down into to little chunks. Bite size pieces. 

I've been meaning to write a post on "My Autumnal Look". Looks have always been a little bit too important to me. It is time to make a change.

Today I made the decision to work on myself from the inside out. I had gone out to buy a new winter wardrobe, one that aligned with the picture in my head of who I thought I should be this season. It's never just a look, it's a whole character. A part I will try to play until I change my mind and become someone else for a while. I didn't buy my new personality this time. I bought some breastfeeding appropriate tops and some snuggly cardigans. 

One thing at a time.

No new personality overhaul that changes on a weekly basis, leaving me always trailing behind. I need to figure out what I want, what is important to me, where I want to go to. All without a silly facade. I need to be true to me.

I just need to find out who me is.

Image copyright Matthew Coleman.